Posts tagged stacey mcgunnigle

WARNING: If you have children in the room who dream of making it big in Hollywood please remove them as this blog could offend. Also, do not tell them who my agent is, I can’t bear the thought of additional competition right now…the blog is about to start.

I’ll wait…

…okay let’s do this

Dear: The General Public, 

I am a rational, understanding, woman and so I am going to assume the best of you and disregard what I have heard. Anything I have heard in the past I will consider lies and fabrications (which I believe are the same thing). However, if I find out that these statements are in fact true, well, it will be a fight to the death (or at the very least the subject of my next blog and the reason my boyfriend needs to buy me ice-cream and listen to me cry about how “no one understands me”). 

It has come to my attention that you, the general public, feel that my luscious size 8 6 frame prevents me from being anything else then an actress who can “sell a good barbecued rib”. If this is true I have two things to say to you:

What the hell guys?

And

What did my muffin-tops and I do to you?

I did not spend 4 years in acting school rolling around pretending to be a tree and learning how to access my “emotional swamp” for my career to go down like this. Because of you I have to sit back and “TV serve” skinny girl’s burgers, ribs and pizza; which these lady farts  don’t even eat! 

POP QUIZ: 

Q: Who actually eats the food they sell in commercials? 

A: Me and my Lady Lumps

Now I will not go on about body issues because it’s boring and I don’t care. But what I do care about is you pissing all over what could be an epic career of Teen Choice Award nominations, Chateau Marmont intoxication’s, and the financial security I need to finally adopt a Pug and name him Steve Buscemi.

WILL YOU STAND BETWEEN ME AND MY DREAMS?

Now I am not going to pretend that this is new information. Getting “real people” on TV/FILM is near to impossible. The camera does add ten pounds and for some reason we are scared of that poundage on our flat screens. However, I refuse to pedal products that have been deemed as “chubby lady products”. I will not hide behind SNUGGY INFOMERCIALS or SKIN TAG ADS. I am a beautiful woman and deserve to play a crack whore or “lady of the night” on Rookie Blue just like the rest of those skinny bitches wonderful actresses.

The other day I was told I had a specific “look” one that could play a neighbour, friend, bank teller, legal assistant or “funny looking” person. I was also told that my current “look” would hold me back from playing roles like girlfriend, secretary, love interest, real person, woman with hair or my personal favourite: A COP.

HAS NO ONE SEEN A REAL COP BEFORE?

RIDDLE ME THIS GENERAL MOVIE/TV WATCHING PUBLIC

GP (general public for those not following) are you serious? I could so play a cop…I have had numerous perms and look pissed off 99% of the time. 

Sidebar, can someone please tell me what Rizzoli and Isles is about? Are they lesbians? Friends? Criminals as well as cops? I need answers. My subway rides are filled with so much confusion right now. 

…back to you GP

I get it, you like babes; blonde babes who haven’t eaten real food since the womb but can I also have a piece of the proverbial Hollywood pie? (As well as real pie if you are offering). I cannot believe you would be so cold. My Muffin-Tops are kind and generous. They house the calories that don’t have a roof over their head and provide ample support for babies who need to just sit back and relax. I would like to be admired for my talents so stop making me say:

Me: Hello, my name is Stacey McGunnigle and I will be auditioning for the role of Rib Waitress

Unfair GP, Unfair. 

Allow me to do as my horoscope predicts and become the trailblazer I know I can be. I am just like everyone else; a woman who dreams of having plastic surgeries named after her, I can hear it now

Doctor: So Susan how can I help you

Susan: Well Doctor, I would like “The Stacey”

Doctor: Wonderful choice, you will be so beautiful after this procedure!

I am no different then any other actress on TV. I put my spanx on one skin shove at a time just like everyone else and I deserve a little more credit for my talents. I hope you can understand that. 

I consider this issue resolved. Go Fuck Yourself All the best. 

Stacey McGunnigle

It has come to my attention that many believe me to be illiterate or for lack of a better word…DUMB. (It should be noted I spelt illiterate wrong at first). This may come as a shock too many, I’m sure, considering my penchant for fart jokes and the incessant need to hit balls whenever I feel provoked. But it should be noted that recently, in all seriousness, I have been asked if I: 

                                A) Am able to read

                                And 

                                B) Have ever read an actual book 

When people inquire about my reading habits I get the impression that they really want to ask “Are you in fact as dumb as I think you are?” and of course, upon hearing these “common questions” my reaction is nothing short of rational: I cry and start an intoxicated fight with my boyfriend (in order to scientifically release the frustration of course) but rest assured that once the vodka induced rage subsides I reassess what they might have meant. 

In an unlikely act of maturity and vulnerability I once asked my boyfriend if he thought I was smart and I was met with silence…so I felt it necessary to refine the question…

Me: Honey, do you think I’m smart?

Boyfriend: Like Street smart?

Me: No, like book smart?

Boyfriend: well there are different types of smart…

  Is this my legacy?

STACEY MCGUNNIGLE: The Life of a Dumb Dumb???

When I started this blog I was really excited to express myself through written word and it wasn’t until my roommate privately asked me if she could edit my blogs, because she found the grammatical errors “hard to get past”, did I realize that maybe people found my diatribes hard to comprehend.

        Is my message of mediocrity being lost because I’m an idiot? 

I try to do all the right things…I drink red wine and talk about shit while sitting on dingy bar couches…I go to the theatre (sometimes) and resist bringing loud candy, I also downloaded the New York Times app on my IPhone (even though I find it daunting to read)…how am I still getting this Dumb Dumb stamp on my forehead??

WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

(Please don’t say pick up a book…I’m so busy)

I live with two of the smartest women I know. They will soon run the world and let me sleep in their guest house when my Off Off Broadway rendition of RENT goes down the toilet. They are brilliant and I wonder how we are friends and how they are able to relate to me. They are incredibly supportive but I sometimes find myself questioning where I stand intellectually with them. Am I just a dick joke in their world? Am I just the roommate who steals too much food, comes home too late smelling of gin, and the one they can count on to make sexual comments to their teenage brothers? Or does my voice and opinion carry weight and validity in our home.  As much as they love and respect me they still call and remind me to VOTE or feel the need to stress that that “you are” is not your.

But you know what world? All I can say is SO WHAT!

SO WHAT:

If I love watching the Kardashians (really love it…thank god for E!)

If I would rather skip an afternoon of literacy for a BIG MAC and a roll in the grass with a sloppy pooch

If my siblings and I express love by cupping farts and throwing them at each other

If my boyfriend and I spend hours pretending to correct each other in the vein of “The Dog Whisperer” (seriously that’s what we do and there is no sexual connotation involved…we pretend we are on the show and try and make the other submit on their sides like Cesar would with a large breed dog)

This is what I like…and who I am…

I am a woman who is narcissistic (Spelt that wrong too), intense, and as had too many perms…So if by DUMB you mean awesome then you’re right…

Now off to people.com…Jessica Alba lost 60 pounds in two weeks and swears I can too…

Finally all of this “I’m a starving artist” stuff has completely paid off…Parents I have great news, your daughter is officially famous! (But i still need that $50 for groceries…)

The Alliston Herald wrote a very lovely article about yours truly and it would mean the world to me if you could give a little read…AND…if you like what you read then please click the link below to get your ticket for my solo show “A Classy Affair” at this years Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival

ARTICLE:

(Click the link)

Alliston local performing at sketch comedy festival

BUY YOUR SKETCH COMEDY FESTIVAL TICKETS HERE:

(A Classy Affair-November 8th 9pm)

http://www.ticketweb.ca/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=4020895